When i wake up in the morning i think of all my wants needs and regrets....why...cause it keeps me sane.....i have been so down letting all my emotions suffocate me. when i was 13yrs old i was taken to see my real mother....."real" meaning birth mother....she isn't my real mother cuz she never put away her childish wants and so called needs (drugs) to take care of me to prevent me from being born premature...and to forever be the size of at 13 year old......i am small for my size ....i am 20yrs old and i look like i am just turning 13....i hate it ...ppl that don't know my situation blame it on me having good gens...ha! if that was the case all my family members would be my size in height.....
My regrets in my life is a 5 page list of my mistakes and how i let others mistakes become my own....my mother always told me that i was like a sponge....i would want to help others so much that i would some how take in all their problems and pains into myself .......making them live guilt free and pain free only for me to live there dark dreams and nightmares....so knowing this why don't i change that..... cuz i feel like if i don't help them then they would grow and become bitter of others and think everyone in the world was horrible hate full beings.....so i help them in anyway i can if possible...
Now i don't go looking for ppl that have hard lives and bad thoughts do to situations in their life's.....that would be a lil crazy right?!? ..... but some how a random person i meet or old friend i get back in touch wit or a friend of a friend...seem too look in my eyes and tell that ....this is the person that i should tell all my worries.sorrows.regrets.pains. and sometimes but rarely....their joys. accomplishments.goals. secrets. and secret promises too.....i don't know if its something they see in how i carry myself or if its just the way i make them feel wit me talking to them. i feel that i don't do anything to attract such company...i just live....not a holy than thou life either...but a life that i am comfortable wit...
My life is full of surprises and adventure...yet me as a human being cant see what i already have cuz i often find myself wanting more .....more adventure.....more romance....the kind you find in movies and fairy tails......I'm never satisfied with my self in how i live or have lived my life......but in the same motions i am satisfied .....i sometimes hope and pray that i don't meet another person that seems to need my help....cuz I'm all worn out wit the current task i promised i would do for others.....sometimes i wake up in the middle of the night and go in my bathroom turn off the light lock the door and press my hands over my mouth so that my lil cousin . mom. or other family members don't hear me cry.....and what am i crying for......
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I cry cuz I'm sad. overwhelmed. unsatisfied. all of my guilt's. that i have regrets. and the most important reason for my late night tears is....that i am 20 yrs old and i cant help my mother like i want.....i hate that i cant help her in what she needs.....i hate that she has to live the way she lives cuz of ...simply not having enough....and why does she not have enough.....cuz she has her daughter and nieces two brothers living wit her who don't and cant give her money to support all of them.....My family is not as tightly bounded as some ppl might think...we act like we aren't even related ...wen others are in trouble they turn the other chick and make up excuses as to why they could help.....not all of my family members are like that....but a great deal of them are.....
So my life is not all that and a bag of chips.....(Ruffles) but its more like a rotten pear..you don't know its rotten till you bit in to it....Now not all my life has been bad ....the times i share wit my mother and my brother and mother on our family trips and cruses are great...the times we sit at home and drink hot chocolate on Christmas afternoon after opening lots of presents were great .....but when it comes to the things that i deal wit personally that involve some friends and how i view myself and the world...are very cloudy times....where the thunder storms never stop and everywhere you turn is regret...pain....hate....sorrow....worried.....loneliness....abandonment......and love that has stabbed me in my heart over and over again....
I'm a painter.....and i often wonder how i could picture the world inside of my mind and paint it .... i dream it would have many 'minor' colors...dark and light purples wit brush strokes of royal blue (my mothers favorite color) wit Burgundy or reds and stars painted wit the color of pain.....(if they had such a color)....but every attempt...is a close failure....i long to paint the perfect picture ....base off my non perfect life and mind images......i will one day and when i do i will never sell it....ill just let it collect its worth with the tradition of passing the painting down to my next generation......
all of that and life still goes on for me ....lol in my beautiful display of emotional colors.......
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